Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
You Might Also Like
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”