[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
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*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Personal question. #JustSaying
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out