Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
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[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
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im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.