[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
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Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Plant care tips
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.