I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
You Might Also Like
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
He just like my cat fr
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
❤️🦆
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Bringing home a sharpie
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”