Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
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I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”