I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
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Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night