*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
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Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall