:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
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Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
damn he’s good
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
This pepper has seen some shit
Buying a well is money well spent.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.