If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
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I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.