My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
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If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?