Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
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Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.