2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
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ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan