Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
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John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
me 2 months after i graduated
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.