ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
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My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them