The happy life.. 😊
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Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!