Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
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i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.