ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
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Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
*seductively peels off lederhosen
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park