Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
You Might Also Like
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend