I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
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[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
The French cow says MEUX…
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.