Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
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So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
My last name is Zilla.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father