Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
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I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
When can I start eating bats again.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
this is literally a CIA plant
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers