In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
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My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
The French word for sex is croissant.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.