I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
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If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
But that’s none of my business
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
I wish I could veto my bills.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?