GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
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Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.