Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
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My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math