ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
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Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.