For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
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i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
FINE, I WON’T.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Just me and my debit card against the world
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏