Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
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My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti