had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
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March 16
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
all that yoga finally paid off
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office