A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
You Might Also Like
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.