i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
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If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?