Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
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Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this