For cardio I live beyond my means.
You Might Also Like
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating