One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
You Might Also Like
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”