inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
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Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
he was correct
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions