It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
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frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot