My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
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Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.