[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
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Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!