Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
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Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
This woman is my idol. Free her.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”