Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
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*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
“no gods no masters” = leo
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Tony Hawk, age 6
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him: