squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
You Might Also Like
When a shoelace touches your ankle
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.