I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
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FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.