*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
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If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.