[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
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Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.