Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
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I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”