Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
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My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Feels
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever