God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
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[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆