The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
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I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
if a cop pulls u over play dead
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*