This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
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doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.